Stephansdom, Vienna

We hurried down the Karntner Strasse toward the Stephansdom at the center of Vienna. On this December Sunday, we wanted to make the church services at the famous cathedral, something we only get to attend once a year. Rounding the corner to the Stephansplatz, the call to worship bells started chiming. These are pleasant smaller bells meant to hurry your steps. We hurry some more. As we round the corner of the Dom, the deep tones of Saint Mary’s Pummerin bell started ringing the hour. We arrived at the ancient doors on the west side just as the bells stopped. The usual crowd of tourists crowded the door and vestibule and the roped off end of the nave. To get to the seats for services one has to get through the tourists and around the end of the demarcation rope passing the ushers. The two ushers saw us coming and made a way for us, we were clearly dressed for church. Letting us through the roped off gate, they directed us to the rear seats at the far side. The church was full with 800 worshipers or more. We quickly seated ourselves where we could see the pulpit hundreds of feet away. The bearded vagrant who is there every year was crouched in the center aisle with his rucksack full of , what appears to be, old post cards of Vienna. He is obviously a Roman Catholic and carefully follows all the procedures of the lengthy service. He knows when to stand and when to genuflect. No one bothers him at all. At different times he shuffles through his cards and lays one or two on the floor. This is obviously significant to him. I watch him for clues.

The priest begins with the aid of several adjuncts. He speaks in Hochdeutsch with some Latin thrown in where appropriate. There are a few loudspeakers attached to the huge columns toward the front, but the worshipers are too many and the tourists make too much noise behind us, so it is very difficult to hear. But I know what he is reading from the scriptures so I can just follow along. There are a few hymns and we can both sing those, in German.

Incense permeates the air, drifting up and up toward the stained glass windows high above. The Spirit of God moves through the congregation touching hearts everywhere. This beautiful 1000 year old dom has soaked it up for so many years, and is now letting it out.

Church services end in an hour, and we have the opportunity to take the Eucharist, or Sacrament as we term it, but we do not. This is not our church and we are not Catholics, but we do take the opportunity to greet our fellow worshipers as is traditional in Catholic churches everywhere. We make our way back to the main doors and pass from the dim recesses of antiquity to bright modernity outside. A bit dazzled, always satisfied.

We have attended numerous religious services in Europe, including at our own church in Norway and Switzerland. Some services have the spirit in attendance, some do not. All the buildings are beautiful. I recommend reading about Saint Stephen’s Cathedral, or the Stephansdom.

ON THE ROAD TO COLOGNE

2016

SCHLOSS HAEMELSCHENBURG

As we left Hameln Town on the River Weser and the Pied Piper for Cologne, we decided to drop by Schloss Haemelschenburg for a tour.  Only 10 miles along the road south, it was an easy decision.  I knew nothing at all about this schloss.  A little later, I wish I had done some research.  The road runs right in front of this magnificent structure.  It rivals Schloss Neuschwanstein in Bavaria in beauty.  We stopped and took the short tour.  This place is a working farm and business with the original family still living there.  Schloss Haemelschenburg  was constructed beginning in 1588 by Jürgen von Klencke. It survived the 30 years war by the Countess making an arrangement with Count von Tilly, commander of the Catholic League Army, to not destroy it.  Interestingly, my ancestor Johann Obermiller, keeper of the army payroll for von Tilly, was probably there for the negotiation.

After the tour, we stopped to talk with the elderly man at the restaurant casa across the road.  He asked whether we like the ‘wisit’.  I always try to get my German friends to say ‘visit’, not ‘wisit’.  I do this by asking them to say ‘how’ auf Deutsch, which is pronounced ‘vee’, then quickly say ‘visit’.  We were going back and forth on this when a nicely dressed and clearly aristocratic man came over and asked Cheryl if he could be of assistance.  Note that men always address Cheryl if they get the opportunity, which I put down to the fact that she is beautiful and all men like an opportunity to talk with beautiful women up close. 

My elderly man managed to get ‘visit’ down once, and I turned to Cheryl’s conversation with the aristocrat.  She introduced me to Baron Lippold von Klencke, owner of the castle. I assured the Baron I was not having any problem with his employee, just correcting his pronunciation in a friendly way.  We proceeded to have a 30 minute conversation on a variety of subjects, including the ongoing refugee invasion.  I treaded very carefully with the refugee issue which is a delicate subject with the Germans.  The Baron had just returned from a conference held in Syria on this very subject.  I gathered his sympathies were with the Chancellor, where mine are most emphatically not.   He is confidant solutions to the influx are in the offing.

As our conversation wound down, I asked the Baron if he would have a bite of mittagessen with us.  He could not due to a wedding scheduled for that afternoon.  In fact, Schloss personnel were searching for him at that very moment.  Too bad we couldn’t continue to visit with this fascinating man.  The Hannover Kings of England came from this family; that would be the Georges from revolutionary war times.  I would loved to have continued our conversation. One never knows who one might meet travelling the world.

COLD WATER.

January 20, 2021
We had a mild day in January and thought we would go to the lake and take the boat out. It was 55 degrees and sunny, but a brisk south wind was blowing. After a short ride up the lake the port engine started cutting out so we returned to the marina. Docking was difficult with the now high wind blowing across our slip and the engine dying, but we got in. The boat, our 10,000 pound houseboat, plastered itself against the dock on the starboard side. It takes two to dock in these conditions, so Cheryl took the port side and I took the starboard to push the boat into the wind over to her to tie up that side first. She got the bow tied and I went to the stern to push it over. Our dock slip is quite wide and the boat had to be moved 6 feet or more. I leaned into the rail to the left of the entry port and shoved. Just as Cheryl managed to grab the mooring rope on the other side, the railing post snapped right off. I was over-balanced and plunged head first into the 40 degree water.
I did a complete summer sault under water and came up next to the dock. It is hard to explain the shock of the cold water. I hooked one arm on the dock and frantically kicked around with my toes trying to find anything to boost me up. There was nothing there, at all. The leverage was such that I could not lift myself with my arms. I could not yell for Cheryl. My legs quit working in just seconds. I thought very briefly about soaking my billfold, my Lincoln key, and my Denali key, and then I basically quit thinking. I was in serious trouble.
Cheryl quit tying the stern rope and came around to see what the splashing was all about. This only took a couple of minutes. She got above me and I extended my arm for her to pull on. No go. She couldn’t lift my 200 pounds and soaking clothes at all, and I couldn’t help. By this point, another couple of minutes had passed. I started repeating to her that I was cold, really cold, and I couldn’t help her pull me out. She cast about trying to figure out what to do, and told me she was going to go back around the boat and lower the stern ladder. I told her there wasn’t time. I couldn’t hold on long enough to untie the ladder. Besides, the ladder was midships on the stern between the outdrives for the engines, and secured for the winter. I couldn’t possibly let go of the dock and swim around to the stern. I knew I would sink like a stone.
Abruptly, Cheryl was at the side of the boat telling me the ladder was down. I told her I couldn’t get to it. We have a second mooring rope on the stern cleat for holding the boat when we gas up. She picked up that rope and tossed it to me telling me to pull over to the boat. I grabbed it, but I was still afraid to let go of the dock. It was 15 feet to the ladder, and I would have to swim some of it, but my legs were no longer working at all. No help for it. I let go of the dock and pulled 6 feet toward the boat. The side of the boat is much too high to reach from the water. I would have to let go of the mooring rope to get around the stern. I let go. A surge of energy flooded me and I paddled around the end. There, right in front of me, was the massive outdrive I could see in the clear water. I got my right foot on it 3 feet under water and stepped over to the ladder. With Cheryl’s help, I heaved myself up and onto the stern deck and stood up.
I was completely disoriented and shivering violently. I couldn’t decide how to get to the cabin door. My legs weren’t working, but Cheryl pushed me along the side gangway. Once inside I was in a panic to get my freezing clothes off, but I was only slightly effective at this. Cheryl had disappeared out side. In a few more moments, she had shore power hooked up and the furnace came on. She pulled off my clothes to the bare skin and put her coat and socks on me. Then she found spare swimming trunks for me to wear, and draped a blanket around me. I staggered to the stern cabin and sank into a chair while she heated up something for me to drink.
So I survived another near miss. I have written before that Cheryl does things normal humans can’t. This time, she ordered me to swim around to the stern of the boat, and my frozen muscles abruptly responded, and I lived. I was in the 40 degree water about 12 minutes. The rule is, you can survive 10 minutes in water that cold, but no more than 20 minutes. I apologized profusely to her for causing such terrible angst.

The Good, the Bad and the Dirty

 

The Good, The Bad, and The Dirty

A story about our trip to Belgium just to attend a dance.

 

We picked up a car at Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam for the short 200 kilometer drive down to Antwerp.  It only took an hour to walk across this massive airport to car rentals, but we needed to stretch our legs.  Cheryl entered our destination, the Radisson Blu Astrid in Antwerp, and we headed for the freeway….and stopped.  The traffic getting out of Amsterdam was the most congested I have ever seen.  Worse than rush hour in Kansas City, worse even than July 26 vacation traffic heading east out of Munich.  I thought, this will ease up surely as we get out of the city.  The four-lane highway was bumper to bumper and 5 kilometers per hour.  We edged our way east for a while then turned south.  No let up.  The Germans have a word for this, ‘Stau gefar’.  This was not an auspicious beginning to our short trip.  Eventually we got to Utrecht and turned toward Antwerp.  It took 3 hours to get this far, 54 kilometers.  Only another 130 kilometers to Antwerp, but the traffic momentarily thinned.  I could drive maybe 50 Kilometers per hour, but not for long. The navi abruptly warned of cued traffic ahead and advised a detour route.  This route was directly through an older city with traffic lights every block and heavy traffic.  The detour took an hour.  Maybe the cued traffic would have been better, but no help for it.  We were at the mercy of the navi and had to stick it out.

 

After 6 hours of driving in horrible congestion, we morphed into Antwerp.  Joy of joys, the navi said we only had 15 minutes to go, and then we ran into a barricade.  The navi did not warn us of this and did not offer a detour, but hey, we had to be close.  All I could do was try to negotiate around the closed street, so I pulled into the medieval maze of narrow one-way streets, and promptly ran into another barricade.  I did a u-turn and drove back out the wrong way on the one-way. I continued driving along the medieval alley streets at random until the navi told me to turn left on the same street we had originally come in on, going back the way we came.  Now, however, I had gotten us past the hotel and had to go back.

Abruptly we were going down a street car street and about to get into serious trouble with rail traffic.  I noticed an auto street paralleling us, determined it was two way, and saw a cut through from the tracks.  I took it.  The navi said your destination is just ahead on the left.  About that time Cheryl saw the hotel sign and screamed we made it., except there was no unloading or check in lane in front. I slowly drove by looking for a wide spot, or even a vacant spot, on the sidewalk.  None.  In desperation I turned left at the end of the hotel onto another one-way, this one in our favor.  In a hundred feet I saw the closed door to a parking garage with a tiny sign saying Radisson Blu. I pulled onto the sidewalk with my front bumper just touching the closed door preparing to call the hotel to ask them to open it, and it opened by itself. Of course, there was a car trying to get out.  He backed down the steep ramp and let us go by, and there at the bottom was a vacant parking slip the other car had just abandoned.  I promptly took it and checked my watch.  It had taken 60 minutes to detour about from only 5 or so blocks away, but we made it. The trip down from Amsterdam had taken 7 hours, not the original two that Google and the navi claimed it would be. My calves were sore from constantly working the clutch.  This first stage of our trip can only be described as-

BAD.

 

I must insert here that I have driven in scores of European cities and declare they are all like Antwerp. Medieval streets going in random directions with random street names that change from block to block.  I think they are like this to confuse invaders. My word of wisdom is, one cannot go around the block as one can in normal American cities.  There are no blocks. Don’t try.

 

We found an elevator to take us up to the ‘0’ floor, remember we are in Europe and the primary floor that we foreigners designate the 1st floor is not correct.  It is the ‘0’ floor with a star next to it.  The Radisson Blu hotels are a ‘B’ grade.  That is, they are well appointed but not fancy. The desk was undermanned and we were a bit dizzy with driving fatigue, but Cheryl got us checked in and  up-graded to the best room they had.  She has a gold Radisson card that guarantees us an up-grade. She does, in fact, have gold, platinum, diamond or titanium cards for all the major hotel chains which has stood us in good stead around the world.  Our assigned room was on the 8th floor with a large round porthole type window facing west across the Astrid square toward the train station.  Satisfied, we made our way back to the parking level to get our luggage and discuss dinner.  Back to the room, we unpacked our fancy 1800 vintage dance clothing and hung it up to dewrinkle, then went for a short walk to find a restaurant on the square.

 

We ate, I don’t remember what, and staggered back to the hotel past a China Town gate to go to bed.  This was Friday, and tomorrow we had to first drive down to the Kasteel d’Ursel for a practice dance session in the afternoon.  The dance was to be the Quadrille, an early version of square dancing.  When I was first invited to this dance back in May, I had to research the Quadrille and decide if we could do it.  I was in a square dance club back in the 70’s and figured I could, but Cheryl, while a good modern dancer, had never square danced.  I watched the Quadrille on U-Tube and then looked for a local square dance club offering lessons.  Hens teeth, but I did find beginners lessons from the Swinging Singles Dance Club in Mission, Kansas.  The first lesson started the next day, and Cheryl was out of town, so I went alone.  I was immediately hit on by several older ladies who, seeing I was alone, figured I must be single, and had more hair than the numerous octogenarian single men milling about.  The first lesson went well, and I explained I was in fact married, with a live wife, who would be with me for the next lesson, but was currently out of town on business. Cheryl missed the second lesson as well, and it was explained to me that one must attend at least one of the first 3 lessons or one could not continue. There would be 12 more lesson nights starting in June and continuing through October.

 

Cheryl committed to learn to square dance, but would never watch the Quadrille on U-Tube.  The Quadrille is the precursor to modern square dancing and many of the movements are the same only done slow.  I downloaded a 72 page booklet containing instructions complete with sketches, unfortunately it was written around 1800 and was virtually indecipherable.  More on proper etiquette  for gentlemen dancing with strange ladies than the actual process of the dance.  I tried to enlist the aid of some dancers in our local YSA ward, Young Single Adults ward, who claimed to know the Quadrille, with no success. So, I watched dances on U-Tube.  Women wearing hoop skirts and promenading at arm’s length because the hoops would not let one get close.   But we persevered and eventually graduated.  Cheryl liked square dancing and all the octogenarian men loved to partner with her.  By anyone’s standard, Cheryl is a beautiful woman, and was 20 years younger than any of the other women.

 

Cheryl had left all the enthusiasm for the Kasteel d’Ursel Quadrille Dance up to me.  With considerable effort, I got a live person at the Kasteel to talk to me very long distance and exchanged several emails.  The dance was 80 euros each but included an ‘a la carte’ smorgasbord  prepared by a couple of French chefs and various wines.  We don’t drink wine.  The Kasteel did not accept credit cards, and the cost of wiring the money was onerous, but they finally agreed we could pay when we got there.  We were, after all, traveling 5000 miles to attend their dance.

 

We had left home on Thanksgiving Thursday, arrived in Antwerp on Friday, and had the dance scheduled for Saturday.  Why do that, you may ask.  Well, Thanksgiving was Thursday, and we have an enormous family, so we had our dinner on Wednesday, and flew out on Thursday. At least there was no traffic going to the airport and none in the airport.  By Friday night we were in Antwerp somewhat jet-lagged.  The practice session was at 2:30 and google said it was only 32 minutes  away.  This was, of course, another lie, but we weren’t excessively late.

 

The ballroom had about 16 people practicing.  We introduced ourselves and paired up in lines and squares.  I, unfortunately, paired up with a very buxom 20 something pretty girl with considerable décolletage to distract, but I persevered. The dance moves were simple and the caller was using English. We practiced for one and a half hours.  I had a brief discussion with the caller, mentioned we were square dancers and had purchased costumes, 1800 vintage Victorian costumes, a dress with hoop skirts, elaborate jacket for me.  He told me we couldn’t wear Victorian costumes.  We had to wear Regency costumes.  No hoops allowed. No sleeves on dresses. Regency period dresses only. Cheryl was appalled.  Her elegant dress I insisted she get would be out of place, not in the style.  My jacket might just get by, although it did look like something from Bran Stoker’s Dracula.  After considerable cross discussion later, she decided she could dispense with the hoops and hike her dress up, pin it in place, and it would have to work.

MORE BAD

We got dressed and started back to the Kasteel at 6:45.  The dance was to start at 7:30 so we should have plenty of time, right?  Wrong.  The route out of Antwerp passed through a mile-long tunnel.  At the entrance to the tunnel, the road split. To the right was an overland street that appeared to parallel the tunnel.  Just as I had to make a lane change to the tunnel, I was forced onto the parallel road by typical obnoxious traffic.  Cheryl urged me to turn back to the tunnel entrance, but I was sure we could get there just as well the way we were going. After all, we were paralleling the tunnel.  I was SO wrong.  The Navi started winding us around on a variety of streets generally going east.  We needed to go south.  After 30 minutes we were discharged onto a freeway and headed back west.  Eventually, we turned south on the road to Ursel, but we were clearly going to be very very late.  If this was happening to me at some more normal event back home I probably would have just given up.  But, we persevered, something we were doing entirely too much of.  After an hour and fifteen minutes, we arrived at 8:00 pm with the dance well underway.

After an eighth mile trudge up the wet gravel driveway, dodging puddles since it would simply not stop raining, we entered the ballroom, which is really the grand entry hall to the Kasteel.  It was a squeeze. People were packed in right up to and literally against the doors.  There were at least twice as many dancers as the hall could comfortably accommodate.  There were two long double line dances going on, and we were promptly dragged into one.  The caller was at the other end probably 75 feet away.  He was calling steps in, I think, French, although it may have been Dutch, but for sure it wasn’t recognizable.  You recall, he was supposed to be using English. The speakers were at the other end as well, set on the floor, with whatever sound there was muffled by the hordes of dancers.  The acoustics were terrible.  We tried dancing by watching the steps of the people nearby.  This never works well in square dancing, and it didn’t work well here.  The people were, in a friendly way, pushing us in the right directions for the most part, but the beat was fast.  All the Quadrille I had watched was very slow and gentile.  An aristocratic looking gentleman asked me at one point, “You speak German, yes?”  And promptly started explaining the steps in German. This didn’t work as he was promptly whirled away, and I couldn’t hear him anyway, and how did he know I spoke German?  Later I found we were a novelty and already known to the crowd, although we did not know any of them.  Perhaps we were introduced before the dance started, when we weren’t there. After all, who travels 5000 miles to attend an antiquated dance in Belgium? Eccentric Americans. It was fortunate that Cheryl is such a beautiful woman, particularly when all made up in her inappropriate red and black Victorian gown. I am sure that made up for her mis-steps, but probably not mine.

So, we careened through that dance, and after a short pause were into the next.  In this dance, we lined up in lines of eight facing another line of eight.  On the crowded dance floor, this meant we were literally touching the facing line, chest to chest.  The line behind was also touching, butt to butt.  Now, without any explanation, the lines split and started sashaying in short lines of four back and forth, quick step. There was no room for this. Women’s breasts kept scraping across my chest threatening to remove my jacket buttons.  Women’s derrières  from the row behind kept pushing me into them.  This was not enjoyable.  There seemed to be no point to this move, but soon enough we were reorganized into two long parallel lines again.  This was some sort of promenade move, again in fast time.  It was recognizable as a square dance partners chain promenade, but very long, like the entire length of the dance floor, from the stage at one end to the wall at the other.

Dancing was wearing me out, so we took a break to scout out the other rooms and investigate the food buffet.  Some other couples were also breaking out and we talked with them for a bit.  Mostly to a French couple where the pretty wife spoke no English, at all, or so she said, I didn’t believe her, and a British couple from the Midlands.  I tried my French language skills on the Frenchy and met with typical French distain.  The Brits were easier as they spoke a recognizable variety of English.  The Brits explained they attended this sort of dance all over Europe, set in different time frames with different dance styles and different period clothing.  It started to dawn on me that we were in fact attending a dance club dance where virtually everybody knew the dance steps and each other.  About this time a tall young man came up to me to remind me we hadn’t paid for the dance and dinner.  Obviously, he knew everyone in attendance, so we must be the Obermillers. I told him we would settle up before we left.  Now we had a little singing by a baritone, and the dancers were advised to get in line for the food, all prepared by a French chef.  We lined up and selected a few delicacies, retrieved our table, and ate with the Brits and another man of undisclosed nationality.  The two Frenchie’s had disappeared. Then the dance started again.

The people were warmed up with fine champagne and wine and snacks, and were ready to really hit it.  We tried to get back into it, but now the beat was even faster and we were quickly loosing our places.  After another half hour of effort, I suggested we sit and watch for a while, and we did, until it ended at 12:30.  With the dance over, I looked for the young man, Koen De Vlieger-De Wilde, who needed our money, eventually finding him and paying up.  The young man then took to the mic to announce the countries in attendance.  That was pretty much all of Europe, and of course, this year, a couple of Americans.  I felt we should bow when everyone looked at us, but we didn’t, instead making our way to the door and on the to car.  The dance was not a waste, we still had a few days to shop and tourist around, but I was disappointed.  I had looked forward to this event for half a year.  It was not what I expected.

We got back to Antwerp, fumbled around the medieval alley streets for a half hour, and eventually found the hotel parking garage.  Pulling into the sublevel parking, and looking hard, I found one parking space.  It was empty because it was nearly impossible to get into. I scraped the fender of the rental car on a concrete wall and completely disgusted, made my way to bed.

THE DIRTY

Sunday we planned to go to services at the Cathedral of Our Lady of Antwerp.  We like to visit the ancient European cathedrals whenever we are over here on a Sunday.  We slept in until noonish and went down to inquire with the concierge about walking to the cathedral. He showed us on a map where it was and how easy it was to walk there. We would simply take the street that ended at the train station, turn north and start walking. We made our way across the Astrid Square to get our train tickets to Brugge for Monday.  We checked the track location for the Brugge train and made our way out of the building.  The cathedral was a mile to the north at the end of the nicest shopping street in the city.  We had the tourist map to help us find the way, but as is typical of tourist maps everywhere, it was obscure. Couldn’t these people hire professionals, like cartographers , to  produce city maps? The street we wanted appeared to actually end at the train station.  The station is very long so we walked along the north side from street to street looking for the correct name, and, of course, not finding it.  The sidewalk was littered with blowing trash and dirt, and vagrants.  We stopped and studied the map for a while and we got it.  We had exited the station through the north side door a hundred feet west of the front of the building which was past the intersection of the street we wanted.  We backtracked through the trash and vagrants and turned north on the next intersection.  This street angled to the northeast and appeared to intersect the street we wanted in a few hundred feet.  The street was narrow, dark, and trashy, with more dark and trashy people hanging around.  We walked along for a while until we did, indeed intersect the street we wanted.  The name wasn’t correct, but this had to be it because it was cleaner and cars were prohibited.  The name wasn’t correct because this actually was not the correct street as we found out later.

We stopped in a shop and I bought some gloves, not having any for some reason, and broke the sabbath. We walked north window shopping.  There wasn’t much trash on this street and the vagrants had vanished. The shops weren’t particularly appealing. The area vaguely resembled the Karntner Strasse in Vienna.  The street ended at what appeared to be a large traffic circle by the canal.  The map seemed to indicate the cathedral was off to the east a short way, so we turned that way.  Abruptly, the cathedral spire came into view and the five o’clock bell started chiming.  We hurried, but the streets turned into a spaghetti mess and the spire disappeared.  We followed the sound of the bell until it stopped, and we stopped.  Looking around, there was no sign of the cathedral at all, just twisted streets. We crossed the street and peered around and, lo, there was the spire behind us.  We had somehow walked right by the cathedral so we went back.  Still no cathedral and the spire was gone again. We reversed back to the intersection and turned left for a couple of hundred feet. We turned left again and in another hundred feet a small plaza opened up on our left and there was the cathedral, spire and all, neatly hidden away from all but the most devout.

Inside the services had started.  We sat in the very back next to a small dais manned by a woman and listened to the priest talk in Dutch.  After a few minutes, the woman apparently noticed we weren’t understanding and gave us a couple of headphones to wear.  This was better.  The translation was practically instantaneous.  Soon there were a series of women giving short talks, all translated.  The talks were the most left wing politically correct gibberish imaginable.  All about forgiving all the prisoners held in, apparently, American prisons and releasing them.  And forgiving all our American transgressions on the LGBT community.  And saving us from drowning from the rise of the oceans due to American induced global warming.  Etc., etc., etc.  After each little PC homily, the audience chanted ‘Hear O Lord our Prayer’.  I was squirming around and checking the distance to the exit doors when the plate was passed for donations.  When it came to me I dropped in a five euro bill which was considerable more than anyone else had dropped in, hoping this would pass muster that we appreciated the PC homilies about disgusting Americans and they would let us go.  So as soon as the last Amens were offered we stood up and scooted out the door.  I like the German speaking services much better.

We tried to backtrack to the street we came in on, but now it was dark, and we apparently couldn’t do it.  After wandering for a while, we came to an open store and dropped in to inquire where we were.  We hesitantly walked in the direction indicated by the store clerk, it now being too dark to see the map, and came upon the large traffic circle and a large well-lit pedestrian street.  It wasn’t familiar, but we turned left and headed south, my inherent sense of direction still worked now that we were out of the spaghetti streets.  As we walked along, we looked at the street name.  Definitely not the one we arrived on, but this one had the correct name for the one we were supposed to arrive on.  In a few blocks Cheryl wanted to take a photo of Flat Stanley.  I reached into my pocket, but Flat Stanley was not there.  I know it was there in my infamous right pocket when we went into the cathedral, so it must have fallen out when I hurriedly pulled out my glove.  Cheryl wanted to go back and get it. I demurred.  The cathedral was probably locked up by now, and I wasn’t sure we could find it again anyway.  I was in serious trouble.

I have to explain about Flat Stanley.  Flat Stanley is a card board doll made by third grade classes and sent around the world so the children can experience travelling to foreign places….somehow.  My eldest daughter’s class down in Fairhope, Alabama, had made this Flat Stanley and Brooke had sent it to Cheryl for this trip.  I took several photos of Cheryl holding Flat Stanley at the dance, but now it had escaped from my infamous right coat pocket.  This pocket routinely looses gloves at different stops in Europe, and now it ditched Flat Stanley.  I collect left hand gloves.  I abjectly apologized over and over and eventually was at least partially forgiven.

We stopped at an open café just north of the Astrid Station and drank some hot chocolate.  Refreshed, we went on to the square and turned left.  Just across the square was the ornate entrance to Antwerp China Town.  It was just like the one in San Francisco.  Cheryl insisted we walk down the China Gate street and see what there was to buy, having already broken the sabbath by purchasing gloves, so we did.  Decidedly dark and dirty. We went to the end without being impressed and turned back on the other side of the street.  This was better. We came to a Chinese grocery store that was open and went in to look at weird Chinese food.  Cheryl bought various sweets and cookies and was satisfied.

 

THE GOOD

Monday morning we made our way to the station at the appropriate time and found the train to Brugge.  (The French call it Bruges, but I am German) The plan was to meet Soline at the Brugge station around noon.  The ride was uneventful and on time, getting us there about an hour before Soline.  We consulted a map, again, and decided to walk the apparently short distance to the old city.  Of course, the map was drawn up by city planners and was thus a mystery.  We couldn’t find the old town although we had been to Brugge several years ago, so we stopped at a gas station for directions.  Turns out we were going exactly the wrong direction, and we needed to go back through the train station and exit the other side.  Rather than do that, we stopped at a little eatery in the station and had a waffle snack.  Soon enough, I walked out to find our girl and there she was, walking toward me, looking exactly the same as she did eight years ago.  It was wonderful seeing Soline again, and arms around each other we went into the café to get Cheryl, and then on to old town Brugge.  This time we were on the same path we took 8 years ago, crossing the bridge where she took the photo of Cheryl and me that I feature on my facebook page.  The walk was delightful, making up somewhat for the trip so far.  Brugge is an incredibly picturesque city hanging on to the good old days of the Dutch East Indies Company. We stopped at a sidewalk café to have Belgian waffles, I video taped the waffles,  the same café we had stopped at before with Soline and her mother and father.  It would be very easy to get fat here.

After the snack, we wandered on to the central plaza to shop, or rather, the girls Christmas shopped. I did not find much of interest at the booths.  The girls did, and soon I was carrying the game sack from Cheryl’s hunting trip, a regular occupation of mine when Christmas shopping in Europe.  We had fun, but eventually it was time for Soline to go and we headed back.  I should mention that somewhere between her year with us and today, Soline had become a doctor.  She was doing her residency and had barely gotten off to come to Brugge. How could this pretty child be a doctor?  We got on our trains with promises to meet again, which we will keep.  We love Soline Watrelot.

We got back to Antwerp and wearily made our way across the square to the Astrid.  We had a bite to eat and went up to pack  and go to bed.  Early the next morning we paid our bill and headed down to the car crammed into the really tight parking space.   Leaving the sublevel garage via the steep ramp, I squeezed to the side to reach the garage door button.  As it came up, someone in a hurry started down, stopping an inch or so from my bumper.  I stared, not interested in backing down the ramp, and forced him to back out into the street instead.  We got out, turned left on the one-way, and turned on the navi.  Getting out of Antwerp was just as difficult as getting in, but at least we knew what to expect.  I was praying it did not take the entire day to reach Amsterdam.

 

THE GOOD

Traffic was actually light on the autobahn, now that we weren’t in too much of a hurry.  Closer to Amsterdam there is a Schloss I wanted to see if we had time.  We did.  This is Schloss de Haar, or Castle of Sand, a huge castle with beautiful grounds built on sand.  We pulled right in, bought tickets, and meandered through the gardens to the entrance.  The entrance hall was enormous, four stories high, tons of stained glass, and completely empty.  After a while, a nice gentleman about my age, which is to say old,  appeared to take our tickets and lead us on our tour.  Just us.  It is always fun to be the only people on a tour.  The gentleman walked with Cheryl in front, of course.  Why talk to me when you have a beautiful woman at hand.  Our hour-long tour took two hours, way past closing time, but the gentleman was not going to let this opportunity go to waste.  I love watching this.  It happens all the time. The gentleman was enamored with Cheryl, who displayed her erudite language skills and considerable knowledge of aristocratic Europe, family connections in Bavaria, dear friends in Cologne and Lille, as well as her business skills and her engineer husband.  Engineers are really respected in Germany, and I suppose Belgium.  As he solicitously  handed her up and down short flights of stairs,  he explained the schloss was a product of the Rothschilds and their considerable wealth.  They never actually lived there but did entertaining for three months of the year.

Eventually, we had to move on.  We still had to find our way to the Hilton at the airport, and it is best to do this in the daytime.  The gentleman pressed some small memento on Cheryl as we left to express his appreciation of her beauty and amiable  nature.  We said protracted goodbyes, and were on our way.  Traffic to the airport continued to be reasonable and we drove straight to the Hilton.  Pulling up in front, we asked the doorman where we could return our car.  He helpfully directed us on down the road a quarter of a mile and to watch for the sign, see there, right where the cars were turning in.  Off we went, finding no cars turning anywhere and no sign.  Eventually, the road left the airport.  I had Cheryl enter the parking garage on the navi.  It wanted us to drive on some 70 kilometers to another city. We drove for a while and I told Cheryl to enter the parking garage for rental car return at the airport.  It wanted us to turn around, of course. We did, finally driving right by the hotel on the back side and there was a sign for the parking garage, with cars turning in.  Insane.  Same building, but the entrance was around back.  Well, we got the car turned in and the attendant didn’t notice the fore-inch scuff mark on the right front fender left by the parking garage in Antwerp.  What luck.  I had a four-scratch on a rental car in Geneva that I did not put on it.  The Swiss autobody shop wanted $700 to repair it and it took me seven months and numerous angry letters to American Express Platinum to get them to pay it.  The card has automatic insurance coverage.  We are Platinum members for crying out loud.  But I digress.

All was ok and we trucked across the walkway to the hotel and, because we are diamond Hilton members, got our usual upgrade to their best room, and relaxed for a few minutes. But only for a few minutes, because Cheryl wanted to take a walking tour the next day in the city to Anne Frank sites.  You should know about Anne Frank, the Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis during the first part of the war. The Nazis eventually found her and killed her.  She wrote a famous diary which later became a famous book and movie called ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’.  We went down to the concierge to get this arranged.

THE BAD

A hotel cab was arranged for the next morning that would take us directly to the Jewish museum for the start of the tour, and got directions to take Bus 352 from the stop at the end of the tour at the Rijk Museum and the Van Go Museum.  Van Go lived in Amsterdam and many of his original paintings are displayed in his museum.  Off we went, tour tickets and museum tickets in hand.

Schiphol Airport is located at the far west edge of Amsterdam.  It was going to be a long ride to the tour in the central city.  A really long ride.  An 80 euro ride. We rode for 45 minutes, getting close to the tour start time.  Finally the driver stopped at an intersection and told us we were there.  We had noticed the driver seemed somewhat confused as to the location of the museum, and he was a foreigner who spoke Turkish and basically nothing else.  Cheryl said , `Where?`.  He gestured, just across the intersection under those patio umbrellas.  It was time for the tour now, so we jumped out and ran across the street.  I lost my right hand new glove in the cab in my hurry.  I told you about this peculiar problem earlier.  That glove lasted a whole day. I lost one in the Munich airport that didn’t even make it across the concourse.  We looked for the museum from under the umbrellas, or any group of people.  Nothing.

 

The Bad was striking again.  Where were we?  The cell phones didn’t help since we didn’t know where we were at the moment.  In desperation, we stopped a young man and asked where the Jewish Museum might be.  He pointed down the street.  A kilometer that way, and we took off.  What the Hell was that cabby about, anyway.  We reached the museum a good 15 minutes late for our tour, and no one was about.   The museum was closed, so no help there.  We walked west for a block to a little park, this being a likely place for a tour to start.  No tour in sight. Cheryl had made the arrangements for the tour and for a bit of good luck, still had their number in recent calls.  She called.  The lady on the other end was very sorry we had missed our designated tour as Cheryl angrily explained about our incompetent cab driver.  But not to worry, another tour was getting ready to start at that very moment.  We could tag onto that one.  She would call and tell the guide to expect us.  We would find it gathering on the east side on the park where we happened to be.  Look for a bright orange umbrella.  Running across the park, we spied the orange umbrella and our tour group.

So, off we went, walking north across old town Amsterdam with our guide and 10 other people., getting a running account of the history of the city.   Amsterdam was built on a mudflat and numerous canals, arranged primarily in concentric rings, drained the water and provided fill material for building foundations and numerous dikes intended to hold back sea water.  The buildings appeared to be mostly stone, thus having continual settlement issues.  As we marched north through clouds of Marijuana smoke, getting a little stoned on secondhand smoke, several sites were viewed that were important to the Anne Frank saga.  We saw the Rembrandt Museum, a tiny commemorative cemetery, and eventually, the house where Anne hid out.  It was explained how Anne’s clever father walled off a room on the top floor that the entire family lived in, but we could only look from the sidewalk. The house was now a museum and it was closed.  The residential buildings were very narrow, but very deep, ending in little courtyards inaccessible from the street.  Thus prying Nazi eyes didn’t get an opportunity to observe the occasionally lit up windows in the hidden room.

A semi-hidden door was used for access to the room so the Jews could carry in supplies and carry out waste.  I gathered they were eventually disclosed by neighbors or helpers and the SS came and routed them out in 1944 and sent them to Auschwitz.  In 1945 Anne and her sister were removed to Bergen- Belsen concentration camp.  Both contracted Typhus and died in February 1945.  So close to the end of the war.

Well, the Anne Frank tour was done. What happened to Anne and her family was terribly sad.  Only her father Otto survived, probably because he was from Frankfurt am Main and spoke perfect German.  I have read the book and watched the movie.  The story of the Jews during WW2 is heart wrenching.  Cheryl and I have travelled all over Germany for several years.  We never visit the preserved concentration camps. We have seen the commemorative plaques placed in sidewalks all over Europe that identify where a Jewish family was taken from a home and killed. We have seen the bronze shoes on the bank of the Danube in Budapest where the surviving Jews were lined up, stripped naked in December, and shot into the river. The Nazis were the epitome of evil. They got my German family killed off as well.

Our group crossed over one more canal to a small restaurant for a snack and a drink.  It had been a long two-mile walk on narrow cobblestone sidewalks and we needed reviving.  Several of the group were going back to the famous red-light district for some more arousal. They had been there the day before.  We did not go to this attraction, being responsible adults.  We did want to go to the Van Gogh Museum which did not look to be too far.  We just had to follow the canal.  We also wanted to take a canal tour boat ride.  So, saying goodbye to all, off we went.

Eventually, we arrived at the boat tour dock and bought tickets.  The boat followed the canal clear around the city with the pilot busy explaining the sites as we passed.  One cannot see a lot from a canal boat, but it was interesting none- the- less.  The boat landing was only a few hundred feet from the museums, so, watching the time, we went to find the Van Gogh Museum of truly bizarre art.  Getting into the building was difficult and we were now past the admittance time printed on our tickets.  The lady punching tickets had no problem with that.  Go on in and enjoy.  These are definitely not punctual or else Germans.

So, we wandered around looking at original Van Gogh art.  I had some trouble classifying this stuff as art, but Cheryl pretended to love it.  In a couple of hours, the museum kicked everyone out on account it was closing time, and we left, wandering down a pleasant sidewalk until my automatic north arrow kicked in and we had to turn around and head back to and around the museum.  We had scoped an Indonesian restaurant right across the street from our bus stop and Cheryl thought we should eat there. I think the name is Amusee, but I am not sure.

In spite of it being dinner time, we got right into a table surrounded by ancillary tables.  I noticed a couple of men in a similar arrangement that were surrounded by 15 or 20 bowls and plates of food items.  I mentioned to Cheryl that we could not possibly eat that much food, but soon enough, it came, much to Cheryl’s delight.  They precariously stacked bowls on top of bowls on tables and shelves and identified each.  We ate.  And ate.  And ate some more.  I had to stop for a moment here and watch the two videos I made of this dinner.  When I am done with this story, I will try to include some of the videos and photos of the trip.  Well, all good things, and this classified as ‘Good’, come to an end.  We crossed the street to the bus stop and actually caught the right bus for the 45-minute ride back to the Hilton.

 

I think the bus was free with tokens from the Hilton.  Just as well.  Cheryl’s brewing anger over the taxi ride was starting to boil over.  She declared she would not pay for it and went straight for the desk to have it out.  Soon the night manager was involved.  He decided he could credit at least some of the fare to our credit card.  I would be satisfied with that, Cheryl would not, threatening calls to corporate.  The next morning we came down to check out to find the day clerk had an envelope for us.  I opened it to find the hotel had issued a check for the full amount of the taxi ride.  I protested.  The ‘Good’ strikes again.  We really don’t need a refund.  We just want you to hang, draw, and quarter the driver, or at least issue him a reprimand and write up a negative report in his file, which we would do in your place.  No, no.   The day manager had checked our file to find we paid for our very expensive suite with our diamond status Hilton card.  It doesn’t get any higher with Hilton, and I am sure the manager did not want us to register a complaint with corporate.  I accepted the check.

 

We walked across the concourse and checked in to the 1st / Business Lounge for some breakfast and to wait for our flight.  After a time, the desk informed us it was time to make our way to the gate and the tunnel out to the 1st / Business Class cabin.  In a few pampered hours we arrived in Chicago and transferred to a Kansas City flight and home.  It was a less than satisfactory trip.  Some parts were Good,  Some were Bad, and a lot was Dirty.  I have spent some time trying to grade it, but I have given up.  I will put it down as an Experience.  Perhaps we will try another period dance in Europe some day.

 

 

 

A Surprise Funeral

DEDICATION OF THE FINAL RESTING PLACE OF

 

JAKAYLA UMMERTESKEE

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Father in Heaven, as we gather in this place we dedicate and consecrate this grave as the final resting place for the mortal remains of Jakayla Ummerteskee. Father, we ask that this be a hallowed place to which the kindred of infant Ummerteskee may come, and that at the time of the resurrection the body may again come forth reunited with the Spirit.

 

I do this by the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood, which I hold, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

 

 

 

April 22, 2006

 

 

 

 

The phone rang on Thursday, April 20, 2006.   It was Bishop Tracy, wondering if I could do him a favor. Could I possibly go down to Butler (25 miles south) on Saturday to attend a funeral and dedicate a grave? It seemed an infant only a few days old had died. Many of the family members were Mormon, but they did not attend church and no one seemed to know them. I really hate to loose my Saturdays, the only day I have available for my own pursuits, but I was prompted so I said sure. There was not going to be a church service, only a grave side service at a tiny rural cemetery located some miles west of town, at noon.

 

I had recently dedicated the grave of my father-in-law and was familiar with the process. My father-in-law was cremated, and I had typed up the dedication, which I left with his ashes in the crypt.   On that occasion, quite a number of relatives were present. Gene was a Baptist, and his Baptist minister gave the graveside service. The Spirit was not in attendance. My mother-in-law, also a Baptist, had, to my surprise, asked me, as one who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to dedicate Gene’s grave. This was the first time for me, and I had carefully prepared.

The Mormon contingent all knew I was going to dedicate the grave, and stayed after the Baptists were done. We had to wait a while for Gene’s brother to leave since he was very curious about what the strange Mormons were doing. Eventually, I was able to get down to business. On starting the prayer, the Spirit decided to come after all, and tears literally flowed down my face – but I had sunglasses on so it was ok. At least I was able to speak clearly. Everyone was very satisfied when I finished.   Clearly, I had done a holy thing; all could feel it.

 

That was for my father-in-law, a man I was very fond of, done in the midst of close family. This request was for someone I did not know, not the baby nor any of the family. The dedication is short, and, in spite of the rather overwhelming experience with Gene, I figured this would be OK. Cheryl could not go with me, so I drove alone to the cemetery, getting there a half hour early. No one was there yet.

 

Gradually, people filtered in. Some were dressed in church clothes, some looked like they had just put down their work on the farm and came straight over. The baby’s mother introduced herself. No father was evident. Grandparents were there, however, and I assume most of the other people were relatives. I kept an eye out for a preacher or minister that I could meet with briefly to go over procedure. No preacher showed up. After 50 or so people were standing or sitting on the grass on the slope above the gravesite, watching me expectantly as I stood by the coffin, it dawned on me that I would have to give a funeral service…completely extemporaneously.

 

This was going to be very difficult. I don’t like funerals. I hardly ever go to them. I only knew the baby’s name. I did not know the circumstances of her life or death. I did not even know exactly how old she was. I did not know anything about the father, even if there was one involved. The mother was crying tragically. Her mother was crying. Her grandmother was crying. I prayed for help, and gave a talk.

 

I thought a short discussion about the Plan of Salvation would be appropriate, but, of course, it doesn’t apply well to the newborn. I also wasn’t sure if my audience would get it at all without a couple of hours of buildup. Well, when in doubt, we are instructed to open our mouths and the Lord will speak through us.   So I did, and immediately tears started streaming down my face, in front of 50 complete strangers, most not even church members. Pretty soon I had all the audience crying, too.

 

After the requisite 18 minutes, I finished up in the Name of Jesus Christ. (All my church talks are timed for 18 minutes.) The audience was just overwhelmed and, of course, delighted. Baby Jakayla was safe and happy in the bosom of Heavenly Father. She wasn’t going to hang around haunting anyone, and they could get back to work.

 

I advised the mother to bury my dedication prayer with the baby. This isn’t Church doctrine, but I think it is a good idea to provide solace for the living.

 

I am an engineer, and I dislike surprises of any kind. My world is supposed to be orderly. I try to be prepared for any foreseeable difficulties that life might throw my way in a vain attempt to keep it orderly, but you just can’t think of everything. However, now I am confident I can conduct a funeral service by winging it with the Spirit.

MOBS

MOBS

A really big guy came in, with a sort of friendly look. (He had a face not given to friendly.)   He was wearing a cheap gray suit with an obvious large bulge under his left armpit. He announced himself as ‘Xavier Saint’ from Chicago in a barely intelligible growl, and he was looking for the ‘boys’, Law and Fred.

My father and my uncle had unfortunate ties to the Saint Louis mob.  I did not really understand this until I was in college, these were the days before ‘The Godfather’, and the Mafia always denied its own existence. Looking back, I can see a lot of indicators that others knew about us, but would never say anything out loud. It was considered quite natural that I would carry knives and guns as a teenager, I was scary, and the good kids stayed strictly away from me. On the up-side, I usually got away with my many brushes with the law, until, at least, the city hired a tee totaling Baptist police chief who was hell bent on making my life miserable. I will tell some stories about him another time.

Dad and Uncle Fred ran a coin operated machine business, Obermiller Brothers Amusement Company, in Columbia, Missouri, about 120 miles west of St. Louis. The business owned pinball machines and juke boxes, and later ran cigarette, candy and soda machines. They also had half interest in two taverns, the famous ‘Stables’ and the ‘Tiger Inn’. Obermiller Brothers came into being shortly after WWII. Dad worked in a bank after the war, but my uncle, who had served in the Pacific Theater in Australia learning the fine art of reaving, returned home to St. Louis with different plans. (Reaver: In the army, if you wanted something not readably available, you placed an order with your local reaver, who, for a price, would find it for you.)

Fred wasn’t married when he got home to Saint Louis, and immediately started dating. Fred, being army trained as a reaver, was looking for easy ways to get into business and make money. One of the girls he dated was Buster Wortman’s daughter.   I am sure you never heard of Buster Wortman. Buster was a gangster, the boss of the St. Louis mob, also known as the German Mob. He lived in Collinsville, Illinois, in a house with a moat in a private cul-de-sac. Collinsville was a long drive for Fred who lived in Clayton at the time, but he must have thought it was worth it. He drove all the way to Collinsville to pick up the daughter, I don’t remember her name, parking on the street outside the cul-de-sac and walking in. This was a required procedure enforced by the boys who guarded Buster’s house. As he walked in, a bodyguard would walk up on either side. Fred would have to raise his shirt to show he wasn’t packing a gun, but otherwise, was never molested.

Fred dated the daughter for a year, fortunately not marrying her, and during that time became a favorite of Buster’s, earning Buster’s trust and learning his business – coin operated machines and juke joints. Buster owned the famous, or infamous, juke joint ‘The Paddock’ in East St. Louis, and spent most of his time there. Coin operated machines were a favorite of the mob people in the 1940’s. Booze was gone with prohibition, and a lot of them wanted nothing to do with drugs. The coin operated machines were a complete cash operation with absolutely no way of tracking income. An excellent way to launder gambling money. Fred liked the easy way to make money with pinball machines, jukeboxes, slot machines and juke-joints. He wanted to start his own operation, but he couldn’t do it in Saint Louis without permission from Buster, and Buster didn’t want any competition. Buster took care of all that territory through ‘Wortman’s Plaza Amusement Company’. Instead, he went to virgin territory, the college town Columbia, to meet with Dad.   Columbia did not have any juke boxes or pinballs, and only a ‘colored’ dance hall. Fred convinced Dad to quit his bank teller’s job and follow the American dream of business ownership, much to my Mother’s dismay.

With machines obtained from Buster’s supply business, which in turn bought machines from and was franchised by Al Capone’s Chicago mob, Obermiller Brothers Amusement Company was launched in 1948, the year I was born. The business went well. In just a few years, Dad and Fred had owned a silent interest in the Stables, and in the Tiger Inn, well-known Columbia taverns or ‘juke joints’. We moved to a respectable middle class neighborhood in the west side of town and drove new Studebaker cars. We lived in a new house and even had a lake house.   Dad’s business location was always called ‘The Shop’, and was always in a rundown dirty building. They never had a secretary or anyone that could look into the business income. But, they had lots of ‘locations’ – taverns and the like where pinball machines and jukeboxes were located – all over central Missouri. When they had problems from, say, Kansas City people, the Italians, help was called in from St. Louis.

Before they were made strictly illegal, Obermiller Brothers ran a string of one-armed bandits or slot machines. I still remember when the Sheriff, Sonny Fenton, closed down the slot machine business in Boone County.   All the machines had to be stored in the basement of the Shop, then on Range Line Road. I used to play them for free after school. For another few years, the slots were rented to various clubs like the Lions and Shriners for party nights, but after a while they had to be destroyed. I remember when Sonny came to collect them with many apologies.   I guess Columbia, and the whole country, was cleaning up.

When I was a kid I was kind of wild, and as a result was required to spend a lot of time traveling around with Dad and Uncle Fred to locations to collect money and fix machines. I preferred Uncle Fred. Fred was always in good with the bartenders. I would be assigned to open the various machines and dump the coins on the bar. Fred would then count the cash and split it 60-40 with the bartender. While counting and shooting the breeze, he would consume a couple of ‘high balls’, bourbon and 7 Up. I could have one if I wanted. In later years, after I started driving, I would travel around alone to locations to collect money, split it 60-40, and have a beer. The bartenders didn’t seem to have a problem with serving a minor beer, at least not this particular minor, but only when I was alone. They wouldn’t serve my friends.

When I turned 16, Dad sent me to St. Louis to pick up new pinball machines and jukeboxes. I considered this a great matter of trust. I was to pick up the machines at Gottlieb on the southeast corner of Washington and Pine.   I had never driven to St. Louis, much less downtown St. Louis; this was an adventure. The building was easy enough to find. It just didn’t have any windows or doorknobs. I rang a buzzer next to the steel door, and a voice asked me to state my business. I did, and the voice told me I was expected and to leave the truck with the keys in it in front of a garage door at the side and go get some lunch at the monastery across the street. I came back in an hour and found the truck sitting outside with four machines on it. That was it. Never saw a soul. Never signed for a thing.

In all the years I worked for Dad and Fred, I never paid for a single pack of cigarettes, we all smoked then, or a gallon of gas. My salary was paid in coin, roles of quarters, and I just took what I needed.   I never paid taxes and I always carried a money sack full of change, sometimes weighing a hundred pounds or more, in my car. For a couple of years before I graduated from the university, I even carried a .38 special in a shoulder holster. I still have this pistol.  The City police and sheriff deputies all knew I carried a gun on collection days, but they never said a word.

Around 1967 or 68 the whole mob thing really came home to me. I was in the shop counting and rolling piles of dimes on a Saturday morning, something I did every Saturday morning. I collected money on Saturdays from Stephens College candy machines and some other routes. I was alone, but it was collection day and I was armed. A really big guy came in, with a sort of friendly look. (He had a face not given to friendly.) He was wearing a cheap gray suit with an obvious large bulge under his left armpit. He announced himself as ‘Xavier Saint’ from Chicago in a barely intelligible growl, and he was looking for the ‘boys’, Law and Fred.  A little worried, I lied and told him I did not know where the ‘boys’ were. Still being sort of friendly, he said he would be in town a couple of days and would look them up later.

Dad showed up in 30 minutes and I gave him a heads up. He looked a little troubled but not unduly so, and told me he would take care of it.   I guess he did since I never heard about Xavier Saint again. Two or three years later and I was off to Florida on my new career as a civil engineer.   Not too long after I left Columbia, the Kansas City mafia under the guise of the ‘Canteen’ company (the vending company with no telephone number) started pressuring Dad to sell out to them.   This went on for a while until some sort of arrangement was made, or perhaps because the casino mob war in Kansas City between the Gambino’s and Bonanno’s seriously disrupted Canteen. In any case, Uncle Fred retired and Dad sold out to a guy who had worked for us in the 60’s, and the Company became Midwest Vending. I never went to the new ‘shop’, which was indeed new and respectable. Not long after, Uncle Fred died, and then Dad followed him.

Much later, I found out that Buster Wortman had died in 1968. Apparently, his control over the coin operated machine business in his territory was diminished in his last years. The IRS had gone after him and managed to put him away for a while. The IRS had also gone after Dad and Fred about that time but they managed to survive.   No doubt, the visit from the Chicago mobster was connected with the demise of Wortman. With Canteen busy trying to move into the territory, and Buster out of the picture, I suspect the Chicago mob just wasn’t interested anymore. Xavier was sent to tell the boys, Law and Fred, that they were on their own. In any case, for me, that chapter of my life was closed.

One weekend day in the late 80’s my second wife, a model, who has the looks of a gorgeous Italian, and I were at the Market in the River Quay in Kansas City doing some shopping. Now, without going into a history lesson, you should know the River Quay was for a long time run by the Kansas City Mafia.   We pulled up to one of the Italian flower markets in our midnight blue Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. As we stopped, a couple of good looking young Italian men made some assumptions, ran over to open the doors, gave Cheryl a long stemmed rose, and escorted her into the building. As the Anglo driver, I was ignored.

Another time we pulled up to the Italian Gardens in downtown KC, a favorite eatery for the mafia bosses, in the same Cadillac. Two muscle bound young men with ominous bulges under their jackets strolled over and offered to park our car. These were not valets, and car parking was not a publicly offered feature of the restaurant, but since the car looked the part, and my wife looked the part, assumptions were made again. We loved getting wined and dined at the Italian Gardens and were saddened when it closed down a few years ago. It was a lot of fun watching the shady characters sitting at the corner tables.

Life is a lot slower these days, but I get a kick out my two boys. Listening to them talk, I am thinking maybe the tendency to mobsterism is genetic. They always want to ‘hit’ our business competitors or others that give us problems, or do other unsavory things to them. And, in spite of myself, those thoughts float unbidden into my mind sometimes, too.

Good Friday Tornado

Good Friday Tornado, Saint Louis, Missouri – April 22, 2011

 

 

Cheryl and I walked out of the St. Louis LDS Temple around 6:00 pm (18.00 hrs) on Friday into obvious tornado conditions.  It is always obvious to those of us who grew up in ‘Tornado Alley’.   Hot air pulsing air. High humidity. Shifting winds. Uneasy clouds. A storm front was moving into the eastern part of the State. We quickly left heading west on I-64 toward Wentzville, 25 miles away, straight into the green/gray clouds, and gusty, fitful rain.  The best thing to do in these conditions is to get away from them.

 

At Wentzville, we stopped at QT for fuel.  When I got out of the car the City tornado sirens were wailing and the police cars were out with their sirens on. Bad news. Everyone at the gas station was anxiously scanning the roiling clouds for signs of the funnel.  We turned on the radio to KMOX but, since there was a Cardinals baseball game that night, the announcers could pay no attention to a possible tornado. Cheryl got on weather.com on her laptop and found that a tornado was sighted 8 miles south of Warrenton, and it was heading east at 50 mph.  Maybe 10 minutes away and coming right at us.  Tennis ball sized hail was associated with this storm.  A panicky woman at the next pump island asked me what was going on? She was from Indiana and had no idea. I quickly explained and advised her to finish up and get on her way. Probably a mistake since she was heading east along with the tornado. The clouds suddenly turned emerald green. Really bad news.

 

Cheryl was getting excited and urged me to hurry with the gas. In another two minutes we were heading back to I-70 west, hoping to get through the storm quickly. We no more than got onto I-70 when enormous hail started hitting the car. It was so huge the car, a big SUV, was actually shuttering from the impacts. I thought we might loose the windshield and told Cheryl to close her laptop and put down the sun visor to block flying glass chips.  At the next exit we jumped back off the highway and parked under the gas island canopy at a truck stop, along with every other car and truck that could squeeze in.  Safe from the giant hail, maybe, but this was not getting away from the tornado.  The weather radar now had it right on top of us.  So, the instant the hail dropped in size to 1/2 inch, we headed back to the highway, battling terrific winds and tremendous rainfall.  The few small cars on the highway were barely able make headway, but we pushed on through in the Expedition. Suddenly the sinking sun was shining under the cloud through the downpour, making it almost impossible to see, but incredibly beautiful. The end was in sight, and in three more miles we ran out from under the cloud into sunshine.

 

We looked back. The cloudbank behind us to the east was a roiling maelstrom shot through with lightening.  We did not know until Saturday that this tornado developed into an F4, coming down in the suburb of Bridgeton near I-70 and I-270, completely destroying 40 houses and severely damaging another 60. It then crossed Lambert Field, the Saint Louis international airport, doing considerable damage to the terminals and large jet planes, and closing the airport completely. It lifted after the airport, doing lesser damage to homes in Florissant, including my relatives.

 

Miracle of miracles on this Good Friday before Easter, not a single person was seriously injured.

GERMANY – FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Germany

First Impressions

All my life I wanted to go to Europe. I wanted to see where my ancestors came from. In the past few years, a lot of the family managed to get there, but not me. This year I was really pushing my wife Cheryl to go, but all I got was planning for a camper trip to Niagara Falls. Been there, done that.   I was seriously considering just going on my own when Cheryl surprised me for my birthday with a 10-day trip to Bavaria. Now, I don’t want to bore you with details of the plane ride – it was horrible – or all the places we saw, but I did pick up quite a few bits of German errata worth noting.

So here they are…..First Impressions

Red Tiles. The Germans were the last invaders of the Roman Empire. Unfortunately, when they got to Rome they found all the gold and silver and other good stuff had been looted by the Vandals or Visigoths or whatever. The only colorful things left were red roofing tiles. Being very practical, and wanting some color, the Germans carted them all back to Bavaria and re-roofed. They haven’t run out yet, so every roof is a picturesque red tile roof. As you drive through the countryside every little village is pristine, nothing unsightly at all, white houses, and red tile roofs. After a while it grew weary and I started looking for a ratty trailer house or rusted out cars in the side yard…..but…..nothing. Just red tile roofs.

Rest Stops, Signs, Exits. The autobahns were reasonably impressive highways. Very smooth pavement, but no medians, which makes one a little nervous since the left lanes are reserved for people driving 150 mph. I couldn’t do that because my rental car was a Fiat Punto.   The highway engineers are great believers in trees and concealment. The exits were all hidden with trees planted right up to the edge of the pavement, even hanging over the pavement. Scary when you are doing 100 in a Punto. Exit signage is obscure and also hidden in the trees. Making snap decisions while you are laboriously translating German to English is nearly impossible and usually wrong.

Passing on the right is Verboten. We nearly created massive wrecks by passing on the right. It is NOT allowed, EVER. The German drivers simply loose their minds if someone passes them on the right. They make German hand gestures at you. Fortunately, I can’t translate them. And FYI, don’t pass on the left when all the Germans have cued up on the right scrupulously obeying the occasional posted speed limit. They have traffic cameras in those spots and will mail you a speeding ticket. Hertz must have to throw a lot of those away. Finally, at all costs, do not stop at a German rest stop to use the public facilities. I have never seen such nasty rest rooms in all my life. It is better to slip off into the little forests helpfully planted around the rest stops along with every other male having to go. The Frau’s just have to suffer. When you do have to let the little woman go, stop at a gas station.   Their facilities are privately owned and very nice. Just remember to slip the door guard fifty cents or he will follow you around yelling in German to pay up. It doesn’t matter if you pretend you don’t understand, he’ll just get louder, following the time proven practice of shouting if the listener doesn’t understand your language.

A side note to my German friends: Driving on American Interstate Highways is NOT like driving on the Autobahn. There are speed limits, usually 70 mph (130 kph), which are universally ignored. Drive 80 to be safe. Watch it over 80. The police run radar everywhere. Everyone drives in whatever lane they want. It is up to you to get around the slow ones, but do NOT flash your lights, honk or make obscene hand gestures. Most Americans are armed and many will not hesitate to shoot at you. Do not cut in too close to a car you just got by – same result.

Language Barriers. I am told that Germans look with some distain on Americans and frequently pretend they don’t understand us. We never encountered this problem. If they acted like they didn’t understand me, I simple spoke German to them until the victim gave up and spoke English. By talking to many total strangers, I actually found two or three people who really didn’t speak English. What a treat. I got to practice my German, which is nicht sehr gute, aber, sehr spass.

People. A cute little shop fraulein told me she could always tell the Americans because we were so friendly. I could always tell the Germans because they were so stiff, until late at night when personal beer consumption reached several gallons and they loosened up. It got to be kind of a challenge. How do you make the waitress bend at the waist or   smile? Here’s how. Try speaking German with them. Really garble it up and speak softly so they have to lean over to hear. Always ask for ice, even before you order a drink, it confuses them. They never put ice in drinks. Some of them don’t know what ice is. They think you mean ice cream. See if they have alcohol free beer, that really confuses them. Ask if there is anything on the Speisekarte that doesn’t involve schwein mit sauerkraut. Don’t talk about all the destruction visited on them during the war. They get very depressed about it and blame themselves. Overall, I have to say, I loved the Germans. They reminded me of, well, myself.

Television. I watch the German N-TV all news channel on the internet at home, but watching regular stations in Germany was pretty weird. A lot of it is like watching Lawrence Welk auf Deutsch. The strangest thing was watching Hogan’s Heros dubbed with German. I did not see any R-rated TV, although my friend Bruce Paulin, a fluent German speaker, warned me to watch out. In the end, we didn’t watch much TV since the German is way too fast for me and unintelligible to Cheryl anyway.

Water Towers. I realized after a few days that I never saw any water towers – it’s an engineer thing.   I started keeping a lookout.   Lots of castle ruins on the hilltops, no water towers. Then I noticed there weren’t any power lines either. None. Very aesthetic, but strange. Maybe the water towers are hidden in the schloss ruins. Maybe there just isn’t any rural electric. I asked   a German friend about this, unfortunately a teenager, who just gave me a puzzled look, like, water just comes out of the tap, and, lights come on when you flip the switch…right? After I got home I asked Bruce Paulin about it. He said they just consider those things unsightly and hide them. Like trash.   There isn’t any.

Navigating in the City. It was stressful jumping into our rental car at Munich International Airport and pulling straight onto the autobahn, particularly after flying for a day and jumping forward 7 hours. I had carefully planned my route through Munich from the north to the south side where our hotel was located. Unfortunately, I managed to leave my Google Earth maps somewhere, I never did find them, and was forced to navigate by memory. The first exit I was to make was onto another autobahn. It was supposed to be a large, standard, cloverleaf.   Never saw it. Didn’t realize that autobahns, unlike interstates, aren’t signed as such, and all interchanges are hidden in cultivated little forests.   Why do they do that? Do they consider intersections unsightly, like water towers? I remember driving madly through a little forest and seeing an obscure ‘A9’ sign. That was it. Well, after another 20 miles, or some 32 kilometers – something else to be constantly calculating – it was clear we were somewhere on the west side of Munich. I knew we had to be in the City, but I just couldn’t see it anywhere. I mean, there were largish streets and lots of houses and buildings, but nothing taller than the trees. I saw an exit for a street that seemed to have a familiar name and got off, turned to the east, and started looking for a gas station. (Thank the Lord that north is still north in Germany, particularly since it was cloudy and rainy the entire trip, or I would really have been in trouble.) The fraulein at the station got flustered with English, und meine Deutsch, after all, ist nicht sehr gute. We hunted up a junge who could speak English very well, but, unfortunately, as it is with youth everywhere, he did not have a clue where he was or where anything else was, either. But, he found a stadtplan. (City map) I perused the map for a while with him. Got some directions to the east and south that depended on hitting a major land feature, the railroad tracks, and took off. I was sure that by going toward the central city I would soon see it and then could navigate around it to where the hotel was.   Wrong on both counts. Never saw the tracks, and never saw the central city.   Later, I figured it out. There are no buildings in Munich taller than five stories. You can’t see the central city unless you are right into the middle of it, and even then you can’t be sure. And, the tracks were there, they just jump underground occasionally. The next day we rode on a train into the central city that didn’t exist on those very tracks. But, when I needed them, they were hiding.

Well, I was actually lost and, eventually, I randomly turned south. For the record, this was the only time in my life that I have been lost. We wandered on various roads in a southerly direction until we were clearly no longer in Munich, which we had never found in the first place. The Lord took pity and came to my aid. He pointed out a tiny little road sign that had 11 on it. I remembered that 11 was the road I planned to leave Munich on when we went to Oberau. Excited, I told Cheryl this road must take us right back to Harras Circle near the hotel, and I was sure I would recognize Harras Circle because I had studied it closely on the Google aerial trying to figure out how to negotiate it. (It is really a weird teardrop, not a circle. More on circles later.) We turned around and headed back into Munich.   In 10 miles, again without ever noticing where Munich started, we abruptly ran smack onto the Harras Circle. I couldn’t negotiate it initially, even as I feared.

I was afraid to try an illegal left turn at the teardrop, and went on north to try to go around the block and head back to the Harras. Couldn’t do it – go around the block that is. After a while I made an illegal U-turn in desperation, and soon we were driving right by our hotel. No where to stop or pull in for check-in. We tried to go around the block again. Still couldn’t be done, in fact, this was even worse. We wandered through little alleys until Cheryl was sure we were hopelessly lost, but, Magua knows the way, usually, so I reversed track and went back to the hotel. No place to park on the wrong side of the street, either, so back around the Harras Circle. This time at the teardrop I noticed another car making an illegal left turn and decided it must be legal after all, so I did it too, amidst blasting horns and more untranslatable German hand gestures.   Back to the hotel. This time I parked illegally on the sidewalk, close to the front, and we checked in.

German Hotels. I could write a book on German hotels, but I won’t. Things to note: All the rooms had separate single beds with separate little comforters pushed together to make one bed. Unfortunately, Cheryl and I sleep kind of curled up together in the middle of the bed, which made falling into the crack a distinct hazard.   Every hotel had a similar arrangement.   The last one, the very expensive Intercontinental in Frankfurt didn’t even push the beds together. Cheryl put her foot down at that and demanded we have a regular double bed, and got one.

Hotels aren’t air conditioned in Germany. Not that it was particularly hot, except in Füssen, but you have to leave windows open which makes it noisy. The very expensive hotel in Frankfurt was air-conditioned – so cold we had to have them bring up a space heater.

Hotel rooms are incredibly small. The room in Munich was about the size of the stateroom on the Norwegian Dream cruise ship. Which is to say, no room to put a suitcase down. The door lock systems are strange and hard to use.   The toilets are all water saver pressure flush and are equipped with a toilet brush so you can clean out embarrassing residue that the water saver can’t flush. The hot water systems are, shall we say, surprising. You could not anticipate whether you would get scalded or frozen and it didn’t matter how you adjusted the flow.

The hotel staff was invariably friendly and helpful, particularly if I tried to speak German with them. I should note that on our last day I did get my accent reduced to the point that I fooled a tourism lady in Baden-Baden. I asked for a city map, in German. After I asked, she raised an eyebrow, hesitated for a long moment, and asked “English?” It was definitely a highpoint of the trip.

Navigating in the Country. Getting around in the country wasn’t too bad so long as you packed food and water. Every road was initially a cow path, or the European equivalent. Anticipating direction was difficult. Anticipating, and thus making, correct turns was even more difficult. One highway, clearly indicated as a significant two lane on our map, gradually turned to dilapidated lane and a half with no center line marked. We climbed over a mountain pass and, after a while, I noticed signs referring to Osterreich and realized with some shock we had strayed into Austria.   I stopped at a roadside Inn to ask a local couple if we were still on the road to Füssen. The Herr was dressed in classic Austrian lederhosen attire and spoke a dialect that was recognizable as a dialect even to my limited ear. I sort of understood him, but I had a hard time with ‘turn right’ – drrrehen zzie sich naccchhhh rrrecccchhttts. Never mind, we got to Füssen OK.

Cutting across from Rothenburg to Bamberg on the secondary roads led me to a discovery. Now I know where the terrible traffic circle virus (a compulsion to design traffic circles at random intersections in the country) that is infecting American engineers came from. Every rural intersection was a traffic circle. There must be some sort of vaccine to impart immunity to this serious disease. I also discovered that all the schwein eaten in Germany are raised somewhere else, along with the cattle and chickens – oops, sorry, they don’t eat chicken. Never saw a single pig. Did see some weird goats, however. And, apparently, the only plants cultivated in Germany are hops and grapes.

Cemeteries. Now, this was a really weird discovery. When I studied the Munich area around our hotel on Google, in order to recognize landmarks like the Harras circle, I saw what must be a cemetery across the road next to the disappearing railroad tracks. A really huge cemetery. When we were coming back from sightseeing on our second day, having ridden the train to downtown, we walked right by the cemetery. You couldn’t really tell what it was from the street but I knew what it had to be, so we went in. It was unbelievable. Carefully laid out grid of walkways lined with orderly and beautiful graves. Each grave had a little rectangular curb covered in flowers, and each had a lit candle. Each had an elaborate tall tombstone with family names carved on it. It was like a ghoulish fairyland. We wandered around marveling at the graves and taking photos until a woman came in and started yelling at us in German. I quickly sorted that out telling her I didn’t understand yelling in German, yelling back Ich verstehen sie nicht! so, she smoothly switched to English, as they all did. Once she found out we were strangers and interested in the cemetery, she was in her element. She was the caretaker.

We toured about in the cemetery with our guide as she explained how it worked. It took awhile since it was really foreign to us. You know that, in the United States, a grave is inviolate.   The only way you can move a grave marker, or a body, or even remaining dirt, is to have written permission from all extant descendents of the deceased. The older the grave, the harder that is. I know this because of personal experience. Sometimes it is better to just not notice that you are grading over a grave. In Germany, you rent your grave. When you die, you pay for a ten year rental if you are interred in a wooden coffin, or a seven year rental if you are cremated. Graves are used multiple times, with burial on top of burial. So long as the body can rot away, this can go on almost indefinitely. So, no embalming and no metal coffins like here. If your descendents don’t pay the rent, your grave is rented to someone else, and your tombstone is removed. If necessary, the very organic soil is removed. I didn’t find out what they do with the old tombstones, which, as I mentioned, are very elaborate. The very organic soil probably goes to one of those rent-a-garden spots that we saw all over town. What was that movie? Solient Green? The meticulous care of the gravesites is done by, primarily, florists, for a service charge paid in advance when you rent your site. So all the sites are beautiful.

This practice is found all over, so, when we stopped at a tiny church in Oberau, we got to admire yet another beautiful little cemetery. If you are really important, you get to be buried in the churches, in the floors or walls, with elaborately carved tomb covers. These covers frequently feature ghoulish skull and crossbones depictions.   In Baden, where my ancestor August was married, one cover was supported on short pillars with the skeleton neatly laid out beneath for general viewing. We found out later that the skeleton was really a copper representation of the real thing, which had eventually decomposed, being 1000 years old or so. This was right up behind the choir seats, where everyone could admire it. I guess you don’t rent your site inside the church.

More on Navigating in the City.

 When I was busy doing my pre-trip google aerial exploring, I frequently noticed that the google map would not give me a street name, or that the street names seemed to jump around a lot. I finally figured what was with that when we were trying to find our friend Anna-Lena’s apartment in Bamberg. I had managed to keep the google directions to Anna-Lena’s (but no map) even though I misplaced everything else. Confident, since we actually had directions, and since Cheryl was by then paying meticulous attention to where we were at all times, we drove completely around Bamberg so that we could exit the autobahn at the right place and drive straight to Anna-Lena’s. We made the exit all right, but then things immediately went to hell.

We drove aimlessly around Bamberg for a while, trying to get close to the river and old town, because Anna-Lena lived close to the river and old town.   Using my usually unfailing since of direction, and psychotelegenetic power, I eventually found old town and the river. Driving south looking for Nurmberger Strasse, I took a random right turn toward the river. Cheryl screamed, ‘That building has Nurmberger Strasse on the side!’ So, we must be on it. In a couple of blocks we crossed the river and decided we weren’t really on it, and did a U-turn. We went back, and indeed, there was Nurmberger Strasse right on the side of the building, on the street we were on. We stopped at the next light. The old gothic style street sign did not say Nurmberger Strasse, either way.   I turned right and pulled over at a liquor store to inquire. For a change, no-one spoke English, and I got to ask where the address was in German. The Frau told me to gehen sud, geradaus, to the Kreuz, and continue straight. Then we would be on Nurmberger Strasse. I didn’t ask what street we were on now, even though it was the same street we would be on in three blocks, it was apparently not Nurmberger Strasse. In three blocks we were in front of Anna-Lena’s building, and the street had indeed changed to Nurmberger Strasse. We noticed that the numbers on the buildings did not follow any particular sequence, either, but, now we knew: The street names change at random from block to block. We confirmed this with Anna-Lena. I never did find out why this was so. Perhaps streets were named for an important person who lived on that block.   I would hate to be a postman in Germany.

Miraculously, when we left Anna-Lena’s, we drove straight to the autobahn, same exit, making only one turn. Next time we go to Germany, I will be sure to have a detailed map of every city we have to negotiate. Street names are useless, house numbers are useless, and directions only work if you are practically on top of your destination.

One more little warning about driving in the city. Traffic lights are always located on your side of the intersection, never in the middle or far side as here. If you are the first car, don’t pull too far forward or you can’t see the light, and won’t be prepared to floor it when it changes, and you better floor it when it changes or you are holding up German progress and they don’t like it. Also, the lights change red-yellow-green instead of red-green. By giving a yellow before green, the drivers have chance to get their rpm’s up, the better to get off the line. Just like American drag strips. And you better be paying attention when are taking a light on yellow because it will abruptly turn red, not giving you a chance to clear the intersection and making you fair game for the cross street drivers as they come off the line.

Diet Coke and Other Food Warnings. There is no diet coke in Germany, period. Don’t ask. If you are addicted, as we are, this is a trial you just have to endure. Try for coke light, which they have, but only in the tiny bottles. If you are really sweet to the waitress, and really lucky, you may be able to get a glass full of ice with a coke light on the side, which is just bearable.   Personally, I took to drinking carbonated bottled water which is very popular in Germany. Don’t ask for tap water. They only use that for washing dishes.

Most menu items involve large quantities of heavy pork in many variations.   The variations are primarily the type of potatoes, dumplings or kraut you get with it. Vegetables are scanty and over cooked. Breakfast consists of lots of different kinds of pork sausages and cheeses. Now, all the schwein is tasty, but I ate more meat in a week than I do in six months at home. Sauerkraut at every meal is also tasty, but makes your pee stink so bad it is embarrassing. We thought maybe we were picking up some dreadful infection or something.

Grocery stores are tiny by our standards, and seem to be located on the lower floor of department stores. People take their dogs into the stores and tether them by the door, inside. The stores have large wine and beer sections, but no ready mix cakes or brownies. No meat is prepackaged. You wait in a very orderly line for your turn to have the butcher or butcher-ette cut off your order, in kilograms. Same with cheese.   In Baden at Wagoners, Cheryl scooped up their whole stock – over 100 bars – of Milka chocolate bars because she wanted to take some home. The people at the checkout were highly amused.   Cheryl, even though she speaks no German, had no trouble when it came to shopping and paying for things.

Old Places.   Europe is very, very old. I didn’t really have a feeling for how old until we got to Rothenburg. (Pronounced Ro-ten-burg) I know this particular errata means nothing to my German friends, but it will to the American reader. We got into Rothenburg rather late in the evening, having made one of those snap decisions on the way up from Füssen which aimed us toward Stuttgart instead. Anyway, it was getting into dusk and raining when we got there.   No map, of course, but I knew our hotel was against the west wall of the old walled city. We drove straight to the east gate, but I chickened out after looking in. The roads looked too small for cars, and I didn’t see any inside anyway. I turned south, driving along the wall looking for clues and found one, a sign/map with a you-are-here arrow and a bunch of tourists gathered around looking at it. The tourists were the clue. I got out and struck up a conversation. They were trying to figure out where their car was, they had left it inside the wall somewhere and were very upset. I said, ‘You mean you can drive in there?’ Sure, they said, the streets are just narrow.

I drove a little further and turned through the south gate straight into the magic kingdom. Cobblestone streets, no lights, no signs, no people, rain shining on the pavement – it looked like the hunchback might jump out any moment. I drove on the 12-foot wide street to the center of town and started looking for the hotel, the ‘Burg’.   I got to a point I knew had to be close, but, did I mention there were no signs, and no lights. I stopped, psychically casting out, and attracted a modern looking woman to the car. She wanted to know what we were looking for. I told her, and she said, ‘Oh, it is very close, follow me.’ and took off jogging down the street. She stopped where a sidewalk turned off between the buildings. Turn down here, she said, go to the bottom of the hill to the wall, you can see the wall, turn right, go along the wall a block and you are there.   The sidewalk was apparently a street.   The building fronts cleared the sides of the Fiat by, say, two inches on each side. The lady kindly helped me get aligned to go down the hill without scraping the extremely old buildings. Down we went, straight into the city wall looming overhead, turned right, and there it was. The hotel’s sign was about 10 x 20, and it was just a door in the wall, but it was there.

The desk clerk was waiting up for us. I won’t go into the details of the Burg, but it was, without doubt, the most charming hotel I have ever stayed in. We quickly unloaded our suitcases, checked out the room, and went down to inquire about a place to eat. It was now nine and we figured we could have a problem, remembering that the town was completely dark and deserted. The desk clerk, and older man, spoke English with such a heavy British accent that I later accused him of not being German at all, said the restaurants all quit serving at 9:00, but he would make a phone call. I guess he called his buddies around the block who stayed up to serve the help getting off at 9. They would fix us dinner. All we needed to do was walk up the hill to the Dom (cathedral), turn left on Klingengasse, go under the Dom and down the hill a block. The restaurant would be on the left. Look sharp or you will miss it. There were, of course, no street signs whatsoever.

Off we went, in the light rain, in the dark. Did I mention they don’t have street lighting? It was spooky. What if there were footpads hiding in the doorways?   Walking under the Dom was really walking under the Dom, through an arched tunnel. Did I mention the hunchback? The street was vaguely glistening cobblestones, really old cobblestones, like hundreds of years old cobblestones. We found the restaurant. I truly regret not remembering the name, and I have tried to find it. The restaurant was very dim through the single window, but the door was standing open. Inside, it was lit by only candlelight. Like, there weren’t any electric lights. The inhabitants were a middle-aged couple at the end of a common table, two sheets to the wind, and smoking like chimneys. At the other end of the common table were a couple of older men, two sheets to the wind and smoking like chimneys. A middle-aged women popped out and seated us at the middle of the common table, asking us if we minded the smoke. We lied.

The menu was in German, imagine that. We worked through it and ordered. The waitress was somewhat shocked when we ordered diet coke with ice – they didn’t have either – instead of warm beer or wine like everyone else. Never mind.   The food came and was good. Our eyes got really dilated so we could see in the dim light. The smoke continued, and the other people gradually got three sheets to the wind.   After we ate, I took pictures of these happily smiling Germans. They were really happy by then. So, it was getting time to go.   On impulse, I asked the waitress, who had turned out to be the owner of the place with her husband, seated at the end of the table, how old this restaurant was. ‘Oh, 600 years,’ she said. It immediately took the record of the oldest building I had ever set foot in, much less eaten in, although that record was broken the next day. 600 years old. My house is 109 years old and is considered an antique. My country, for crying out loud, is only 231 years old or so. 600 years as a restaurant. It was a shock that has changed the way I look at things.

Well, kind of a long way around to get to how old Europe really is.

New Places. Our last night on this first trip to Germany was spent in the ultra-modern International Hotel in Frankfurt am Main. I mentioned this hotel earlier. Since Frankfurt was bombed beyond the rubble stage in WW2, most everything is new. The International is like hotels anywhere in the world, except that the Germans did not know how to operate the air conditioning system…and they still had that bed problem. Our first room had the single beds, but these weren’t even pushed together.   Cheryl had enough of that and we demanded another room with a double bed. We actually got one, up on the 20th floor, but it still had those single bed comforters. Since this was clearly a room for cranky Americans, the air was turned way down, to say 50 or so. We called the staff, again. They couldn’t fix it. The German engineering was too much for them, and we had to stay in this room.   Finally, they agreed it was intolerably cold, and brought up a little electric space heater for us. We had two nights in this refrigerator.

I am going have to quit writing on this; it’s gotten far too lengthy.   Suffice to say I loved the trip and I love those quirky Germans. I can hardly wait to go back. Maybe I’ll ship my Saleen over so that I can burn the Mercedes on the Autobahn.   Maybe I can learn to really speak the language, both verbal and sign language. Maybe I could buy the falling down 1000 year old house in Rothenburg, or one of those castles on a hilltop.

What a trip!

 

Post Script:  Germany has changed or evolved quite a bit in the years since I wrote this story.   For one thing, one can find Coke Zero with ice almost anywhere, although one still has to add your own ice from a separate bowl.  One finds muslims everywhere which is a little disconcerting, more like home all the time.  I have gotten quite adept at driving in the Country and do not have much difficulty negotiating streets in the cities.  My German language skills haven’t discernibly improved although we take two or three trips a year to the Fatherland.  One has to really get out to the hinterland to find non-English speakers now, but it can be done.  My language skills actually have improved and I can prove it by speaking with the non-English speakers in deutsch.  I have developed many close friends in Germany that we manage to visit once or twice a year.

Saleen

A while back I wrote a short piece on driving my Mercedes S-600 up J Highway from Stockton Lake.  Last week I had to go down to work on Cheryl’s boat and looking around for a car to drive I had to settle on the Saleen Mustang.  I seldom drive this car and, in fact, would like to sell it, but both the Mercedes are laid up with minor illnesses and Cheryl took the Denali, and here was the Saleen just back from minor surgery on the fuel pump.  The Saleen is a very powerful little car that is set up for road racing, and is consequently extraordinarily uncomfortable on long drives.  So, I thought, poor me, settling on driving a Saleen, a car most teenagers would die for.  Oh well.

The Saleen is set up for curves with custom suspension and a supercharged 281 engine. I modified the engine  a while back by adding an Eagle rotating assembly.  I was just coming home, having been rather sedate driving down, and was hot and tired.  J Highway is rough and bumpy, but very curvy and hilly. A typical Ozarks secondary road. I was cruising along in 5th, not paying much attention, when I suddenly realized I was drifting the first corner.  The Saleen drifts on corners, unlike my well mannered but hot Mercedes that cling to the pavement like the tires have claws.

I automatically dropped down to 4th and increased the drift.  I had forgotten how much fun it is to drift along in the Saleen.  So for the next series of tight corners I worked between 4th and 3rd.  I didn’t go for much speed on the short straights, just played the corners.  Don’t get too critical here.  It was Wednesday and there is simply no traffic on J to worry about.  Anyway, I did the 23 miles to Highway 54 pretty quickly and got onto smooth pavement. Set the cruise control to 75 and motored on home.

BOO PIG

The Boo Pig appeared in the summer of 1984. It was a dreadful creature, seven feet long with huge floppy ears, deadly five-inch tusks and red piggy eyes. Dried mud caked its pinkish hide, and it smelled like…a pig. It roamed the Kansas countryside creating fear and havoc wherever it appeared. In the soft month of June, it came to us. We couldn’t keep it away.
Aaron and Jared, five and three, were outside playing in their sandbox. At dusk, Aaron started shouting at me, running toward the kitchen door. “Daddy, Daddy, the Boo Pig, the Boo Pig!” I went out. The sandbox was 40 feet away, and there, staring at Jared sitting on the sand, with lowering head and beady eyes, was, indeed, the Boo Pig. Jared, blond hair gleaming in the twilight, wasn’t paying any attention.
The Boo Pig looked like it wanted to play in the sand box as well, but there clearly wasn’t room. I was horrified. No time to go back inside for the rifle, I ran toward the creature. At that very moment, Pasha One-Fang, the German Shepard, came around the corner of the house, realized she was derelict in her duty as guard dog, and leaped to the attack. The monster swung around to run and Pasha sunk her fang into its’ butt. Boo Pig took off with Pasha slung around in the air but still firmly attached by the fang. The boys were very entertained by this spectacle. After a while the dog came back, but we weren’t done with Boo Pig.
Thinking ahead, I strategically placed the rifle by the kitchen door ready for instant use. Sure enough, a few days later I heard the cry Boo Pig, Boo Pig is in the sandbox. Grabbing the gun I ran out. There was Boo Pig, as hideous as ever, trying to root around in the sand. It was far too big to actually get in. The boys stood shoulder-to-shoulder watching it. Pasha was nowhere to be found, a frequent problem with the guard dog. I chambered a round.
Now, my rifle was a .22, and although it held 17 rounds, I doubted I could make much of an impression on a monster like Boo Pig. Besides, Boo Pig had a home down the road and his master would probably not like the pig coming home riddled with bullets. So, I started firing over his head. The noise and zing of bullets whizzing around its ears was enough to send it away, but only at a reluctant walk. I knew he would be back.
Some days later, I heard a clatter in the middle of the night. The dog didn’t go off so I didn’t get up to investigate. The next morning I went out to the garage to get oats for the horses and dog food. I kept these in metal trash cans by the back door of the garage. I went in. One overhead door was open part way. The trash cans were knocked over, and at least 50 pounds of oats and all the dog food was gone. Nothing else was amiss. A closer inspection revealed bits of dried mud and saliva on the concrete floor. The signature of Boo Pig.

I bought more oats and dog food, a sore trial for me as I was very poor at the time. Each night I made sure the garage doors were down and the bar latches engaged. I kept the rifle handy, and I waited. A few days went by, I guess it takes a few to digest 50 pounds of oats and get hungry again, before a second assault was made. At 5:00 in the morning, the sun just thinking about rising, a tremendous clatter arose from the garage. I woke up with a start and ran downstairs in my underwear and barefoot heading for the back door. Grabbing the barrel of…the kitchen broom…! headed for the garage, dashing through the hedge to the door. Jerking it open and throwing on the lights, I confronted Boo Pig. Evidently, Boo Pig was able to lift up the overhead door with his snout and tusks, popping the latches out of the way.
Oats were scattered on the floor. Boo Pig looked up from his feast startled and angry, but not half as angry as I was. Cursing loudly, I pointed my broom rifle at him fully prepared to mete out death and destruction. Hard to do with a broom. Reversing my hold, I raised the broom to beat Boo Pig with it. It was too much for the monster. He knew I would not shoot him because he knew his own value. But I wasn’t going to shoot him. I was going to beat him with a broom. A scary looking weapon. Furthermore, the human was naked. In his piggy ancestral memory, he knew some humans went to war naked, and those very humans made a career of eating pigs to this very day. In complete terror, he whirled around toward the door, legs slipping out from under him as he scrambled to get away.
Boo Pig had a long memory. He never came back, and that is the end of this story.
In five year old Aaron speak, Boo Pig = Bull Pig. It belonged to my neighbor, John Gerken, who raised a lot of free ranging pigs along with numerous children.